Having been involved in youth ministry for almost 40 years, I’ve read a fair few books, been to a life times worth of conferences - hearing a lot of speakers - good, great and er, not. I have sought out the wise, the sage and the guru in an effort to improve my skills at this working with young people thing. This article is based on the most helpful thing I have ever heard or read. Ever. I mean EVER. It is this.
“The best thing you can offer young people is a healthy you.”
You and I as practitioners, full timers, part timers, extra timers and “I have no time but do youth work anyway” timers, will be familiar with the words of Jesus, often quoted from John Chapter 10. I have come that you might have life to the full (John 10:10). It is one thing as a youth worker to be teaching, encouraging and equipping young people to believe they can have a full life following Jesus - it is quite another to live that life ourselves.
Maybe you are not like me - but, for me, the greatest challenge in youth ministry is not finding the right resource, coming up with a cracking illustration, developing a team, doing a funding application or monitoring something out of the corner of my eye at youth club whilst being engaged in conversation with someone right in front of me . . . No. The greatest challenge in my youth ministry is me.
So, I want to share three things that help me. They help me because I keep coming back to them to remind myself to pay attention to them, not because I am “on it” every day. These three things help me set the bar (or, if i’m doing alright - they help me raise the bar, I can always improve in all three areas).
So, why not set the B.A.R. for a healthy you?
Balance.
Balance covers a whole host of things. I’ve worked in ministry where the expectation has been that you work until you see a bright light and then stop for a bit, recovering just enough to keep going until you collapse in to bed. I have also worked 37 hours a week with (you will hardly believe this) time off in lieu if I worked evenings and / or weekends . . . I know!!
Balance is different for everyone, but, to give our best to young people it helps if we are not absolutely shattered by the time youth group rolls around. It is simple. It is hard to do. Balancing work and life is hard when your life is your work! Yet, getting balance right makes such a difference. We might often encourage young people to “Be the difference you want to see.” but, do they see us being “different”? Being balanced with our time, energy, social media habits, work, rest, seeing our mates, buying groceries. This stuff takes discipline. So, here is my suggestion.
Forget for a moment that you purchase resources occasionally to use in your youth work. If you have not purchased, “The Beautiful Disciplines” by Martin Saunders - don’t just consider getting it for use with your young people. Get it for yourself. Investing in spiritual disciplines is an investment in our lives and our spiritual health which we will benefit from - but, so will our young people.
Gymnasts, when being taught the balance beam are told to look at the end of the beam - not stare down at their feet right in front of them. Look ahead, look where you are going! Balance is about not being caught so much by what we are doing right this moment, staring down at our feet and willing ourselves to not lose balance - but looking ahead, to where we want to get to. Think about your balance. Where do you want to be? The obvious scripture that comes to mind is Peter walking on the water. Let’s keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, let’s get our sense of balance from the author and perfecter of our faith.
Attitude.
This would take an article all of its own. Do you have a young person in your group with an attitude problem? Yes, you know the one! Now, think back - how was your attitude at 15? I used to be called an “angry young man”. Constantly gobbing off because I knew better (I didn’t), always having the last word because I was right (mostly I wasn’t). Attitude! As we get older I think this, almost more than anything else, can draw us in to unhealthy thinking and unhealthy practice. There are three things, when my attitude is poor that I am prone to do - the antidote is Philippians chapter 2 :
Comparison. This can lead to jealousy, insecurity, fear and a whole bunch of other emotions and feelings and thoughts - which, If we allow them - will dominate our decision making and our values. The antidote is found in the attitude of Christ, “who made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.”. When we consider comparing ourselves with other people, ministries or approaches to life and work - our guide and example is Jesus himself. We can get caught up in this passage from Philippians just thinking about how amazing Jesus is, but the passage begins with, “YOUR attitude should be the same as Christ.” That is our aim, no other comparison is necessary or helpful!
Competition. I grew up with this. “We have to do what they are doing!” meaning, the Church up the road. You can earn, so I was taught, your spiritual stripes by giving more of yourself, doing more, being more, leading more, attending more events, conferences, stuff. We seem to have a similar desperation today about “keeping up”. Social media does not help. “I haven’t tweeted about what I am doing, maybe the people following me will think I am not doing anything!” This just gives us (as if we needed it) yet another arena to compete in. Numbers saved? Number of followers? Famous people we can namecheck or youth work “living legends” we can grab that selfie with? What the HECK are we doing? Maybe you don’t have this competitive attitude, but, if you do then back to Philippians my friend, “who did not consider equity with God something to be grasped.” Ask yourself seriously, what are trying to grasp for, reach for, gain?
Complaining. Ah. Now we get to it (at least for me). The longer I have been involved in youth ministry the more I have to complain about. There, I said it. What do I mean by that? Ministry is tough. Whilst we seek to set the bar for ourselves, others are also doing it - the PCC has expectations, the senior pastor, the congregation, the young people, the parents of the young people our volunteers, our spouse, our children . . . ARGH!
I can all to easily focus on a negative and allow that to shape my attitude - in fact, allow that to shape my entire reflection on an evening with young people.
Little things can lead to us moaning that, “nobody gets it”, “I have to do everything myself”, “there is only one of me - I can’t be everywhere and do everything!” We cannot allow others to determine our attitude or approach to ministry, we cannot allow circumstances to so dictate our attitude that we become jaundiced and cynical.
Our attitude leaks our, our young people, other leaders and friends and family will see what ministry is doing to us. We need, again, to follow Christ’s example. After Paul’s poetic words in Philippians 2 we hit a “therefore” - Paul is saying if we have the attitude of Christ THEN this is how we will be . . . in verse 14 this includes “doing everything without grumbling or arguing”. We can either “hold onto” things that upset us, bother us, worry us or feel unjust and have a complaining attitude OR we can “Hold onto” the Word of Life (verse 15). Here we find a lovely balance in what Paul writes - the word used for “hold onto” could also mean “hold out”. I think Paul is saying we need to do both. If we are not holding onto the word of Life, we cannot hold it out to others - and if we are not holding the word of life out to others then we have not really understood what it means to hold onto it! So, what are you holding onto? What will you just not let go of? Release your grip and give that complaining spirit to Jesus. Ask Him to help you rediscover joy in your life and ministry.
Relationships.
I once heard a fellow youth worker boast that he knew his youth group better than his own children. At the time, I didn’t have my own children, but I was staggered by this statement. Is THIS what it means to be in ministry? Sacrifice relationships for the sake of the sharing the gospel with a group of young people? No! If we neglect this area or consider every relationship as simply serving the wider purpose of ministering to others we miss what it means to be alive, to be human, to be healthy!
Relationships are not a means to an end. If we find that we have just no time for friends or family because “ministry” is taking all our time our “bar” is all wrong.
This direction where ministry becomes all consuming leads to disaster. We need to cultivate relationships that are not about serving our ministry but simply about us living whole lives with interests and passions that are not dominated or dictated to by youth work. I now have children - they are not a “mini youth work project” in my own house”. They are my kids!! I grew up in an environment where it was normal for men in ministry to be in their studies, out every night being a pastor for everyone else - whilst neglecting home and family.
We cannot teach young people about the value of relationships if we decline to have real, vulnerable and honest ones ourselves. Your family and your friends deserve more than your exhaustion or maybe catching up with them in six months if your diary allows it.
I don’t know how Jesus managed it - but he cultivated friendship, investing in his disciples time that - when I read about it seems to be just for the sake of being in relationship (for example, after the resurrection he has breakfast on the beach). Jesus also built others up regardless. He made people feel valued and important - some of those he would possibly never see again (like the woman with the issue of blood). Jesus was also vulnerable with his friends. He asked them to watch and pray with Him in Gethsemane - perhaps feeling alone as He faced the cross, just wanting to know his friends had his back.
Do we bluff our way though our relationships or can we be honest and real and broken when we need to lean on others. Who can you lean on? If we have relationships beyond our ministry contexts and are investing in them - as well as leaning on others, who do we lift? Who do we encourage and nurture? Do we even have time for this? If you haven’t deal with it now. Take some time out, phone a friend - go out for coffee without an agenda to use it as an illustration in a youth talk.
So there we have it. The best thing you have to offer young people is a healthy you. We need to be pursuing “living life to the full” ourselves if our youth ministry is to last. How healthy is your balance? How healthy is your attitude? How healthy are your relationships?
Set the bar.
Oh, and once you’ve set the bar - don’t settle - keep checking yourself, and if you need to raise the bar.